Hoodrat Wasted

As you all know, this past weekend was Halloween Weekend & today is actually Halloween. *blank stare* Of course you guys know....forgive me. I am still hungover. Yes....I drank the devil juice & got loose. *puts head down in shame*

inebriated & still badder than most.

Last week, my friend Patrice informed me that her cousin would be hosting some kinda masquerade/costume/halloween/hoodrat gathering/birthday party & asked if I'd want to attend. I promptly replied YES CHILE!! & ran off to various locations to begin the process of styling a deliciously envy-worthy costume. So Friday night comes & by this time I have recruited Jazz, my Partner In Crime/Eating Partner/Fattest Skinny Chick I Know/Bestie/Little Sister/Niece....yea, she's all that. Really. Lmao. So me, Jazz [@CocoaAllure], Patrice & her brother get to the venue which happened to be a.....BANQUET HALL.....and then to make matters worse I hear "Wifey" - Next playing. I don't even know if this event even had a DJ, for all I fuckn know, somebody's uncle was playing a Mix CD on his 1999 circa BoomBox. I felt like I was set off Soul Food 2. I can't. I simply can NOT.

We served that event a swift FUCK NO & was out. We were gonna cross the Walt Whitman to Jersey to go holla at some liquor but we were racing time and we all the way cross town from the bridge. So we were hauling ass toward Market street as we twirled around the Art Museum Parkway but we get cut off by this big Bertha ass SEPTA bus. So y'all know me. I immediately pulled every profane word in my vocabulary out the book & hummed them at the bus driver til I was eye-to-eye him....my mouth when dry from my jaw dropping & my coosah was instantly soaked. This man was GORGEOUS. Mind you, I don't really have a hankering for the afrocentric variety when it comes to men....but GAH-DAMN this man was sexy. Light caramel, shaped-up, moisturized dreads, tatted AND bearded!!! *faints* This nigga was all that. Yes I took it back with that term but this nigga was delicious....DE-FUCKN-LISH!! I woulda greased his scalp & twisted up his new growth if he asked me to. Dead ass. So yea,  me & this nigga is eye flirting through the window & we so caught up in each others beauty, neither one of us thinks to open these glass obstacles & bag each other [exchange numbers]. So the light turns green & Patrice was off. 

"WAIT BITCH!!! Thats my husband back there!! And I didnt even get a chance to bag him!!! Stop at the next light!! I need him!!!"

She ignored my pleas & kept it the fuck moving as I made a mental note to remember the exact time, location & route number cus in 24 hours I would be on his bus & hopefully he would be too. Needless to say, I really fucking wanted him.

So by now, it's too late for us to make it to Jersey in time to get some liquor so we locate the nearest club & just go there. As we are on Market St in Old City Philly waiting for valet, guess who rolls the fuck by.....MY HUSBAND!!! I just knew it was fate so I took off down Market St in 5inch wedge booties to get my man. I GOES HARD. But as I reached his bus & was within inches of tapping on the side window to get his attention, the damn light turned verde & my husband was gone again. *dejected* I proceeded to the store to get some snacks. They always make me feel better.

Ten minutes later, we're in the club & I swear to you it was like a fucking middle school dance cus the club happened to be having an 18 & under event that night & the children were out. FML. *palm forehead* There were no MEN in there. Nothing but BOYS. Im only 23 but I felt like a lightweight pedophile cus I can't be all up on no children. *stank face* Not a good look. Only men there were the help [the bouncers & bartenders]. So I used them to my benefit & got the strongest drinks of my life & all of a sudden the night was finally looking the fuck up for a change lmao!

While in the club there were a few bits of fuckery that occurred. One being the big girl in the stretched out leotard bodysuit, sunday-best church pumps, & a shredded pink tutu that look like she got in a fight with a pack of wolves & they won. Bless her cholesterol glazed heart. Poor girl was posted up on a speaker popping her whale tale attempting to attract the attention of ANY male specimen but unfortunately for her they weren't biting.  How you get winded when you holding onto something while you dance?? Thats just obesity at it worse. And I can say these things cus I'm a big girl but come on bitch....pull yo shit together. You making us look bad.

Then there was Jenny [not her real name] who found a structural beam, that doubled as a pole for the hoes & kindly displayed all the booty-popping moves [I use the term BOOTY loosely] that some nigga name Jerome from Logan taught her to do. Im like, "That bitch fucks niggas. I aint even mad at you Jenny. Do you boo, do you." *sips tea*

Then the asian bartender dude Ima just call Lee told me he purposely made my drinks strong cus he had plans to come get my draws later. *blank stare* Oh is that right Lee??...okay, just make sure yo ass brings me some General Tso Chicken [fried hard with extra sauce & a few extra broccoli florets] when you come to get em. Fair exchange is NO ROBBERY. *shrugs* I'm wit it.

Who in the FUCK sells flowers in the club??...*silence*......Yea, I'll wait for your answer. Because I guarantee you no one does. Like....WHY??!! It ain't even fuckn Valentine's Day dude? Go home Edwardo & study your American holidays & when they occur, okay? Please & fucking thank you.

There were plenty other forms of fuckery, I sure of it. But at this point I either can't remember [which is highly likely] or its just is NOT worth my carpel tunnel ridden hands typing about. AND I'm outta bayer??!!...I'm out.

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